Though It's Been Said, Many Times, Many Ways...

...Girls are bad news.

Man alive, I can't reiterate that sentiment enough. Girls are a no-go. Bad news bears. Heartbreak in motion. At least for now.

Don't get me wrong, friends, I like girls. A lot, in fact. That's why they're such a problem, I figure. I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm somehow broken or something. But it seems like I can't go through life without caring for the folks around me. Some... Just don't take to it too well.

Why does love have to be conditional? I mean seriously. I recently had an experience that really shook me up. A girl who I have a bit of a history with but who has remained one of my best friends for a long time since then has been ducking me a lot lately. Okay, before I start, a recap. For the past few months we haven't been super close for various reasons. Mostly because we're both busy and she's been in school, etc., etc. Anyhow, she's been avoiding me. When we do hang out, it's more awkward than it's ever been. I'm leaving in 15 days! What the heck? Shouldn't we want to be close friends before I go? Again, I digress. We've been writing letters in order to prep me a bit for letter-writing in the mission field (I'm awful at it) but she's really slow to write me back and downright hasn't for the past long while. I can talk to pretty much all of her family like it's nothing (we're all really good friends) but not to her. Not anymore. Anyhow, in a recent letter I thanked her for her friendship, let her know that I'll always be there for her, etc. You know, I basically bore my heart to her and offered pretty unconditional friendship.

She. Got. Pissed.

No, I don't know why. It wasn't romantic. It was just... Love. Happiness. Friend-like. And she pretty much all but said that "That's just not what she wants from me right now." It hurt a lot. I still view her as my best friend. Why the disparity between our views? Why the "I hate it when you use that nickname. Or when you say that you know me--I've changed a lot." She has, but more in method than personality. The nickname? Well, it's just her name shortened. I've always used it. Apparently, it's too "familiar for us" now. What are we? Suddenly just acquainted. Barely friendly?

Two weeks ago it was, "I miss you and your family. We should hang out more. You're leaving soon and I'd really like to reconnect better before you leave." I hate lip-service. Just be real. Tell me to back off and I will--I won't like it, but I will. I'm not the pushy kind. Honestly, I just want people to not have a reason to dislike me.

I just don't get it. And, sadly, it's not the first time this has happened to me. It's the first time it's happened this harshly... But I don't know. Are girls really so against such close friendship with a guy? Is it just me? Do I exude anti-closeness traits?

It's such a despondent feeling to be told that you're out of line for caring for someone. Really? Being genuine and sincere isn't all right? I can't be the guy who would do anything for you just because you're you? I can't compliment you because I honestly think you deserve it? I can't be the guy who will always tell you exactly what I think when you ask? I obviously must have some ulterior motive or an agenda. I can't just want to know you because I enjoy your company. I must have feelings for you like I used to. I must just be trying to get you to want me too. It's the only reason I'd care.

Ugh. To be honest, I'm done. I'm excited for my mission. I'm excited to go and meet a whole cadre of people to serve and uphold. I'm not called on a mission--I'm called on an adventure.

Here I come, MTC. In 15 days.

What a Night of Dreaming!

Man, can I just say that last night was super-crazy-awesome? I had at least four somewhat-memorable dreams and they were all insane. Not in a demented way. . . Just crazy and different and thought provoking.
What if you could just relive all of your life from the age of 8 years old on with what you know now? That was one of my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I like my life. I wouldn't really want it to be any different. That said, I'm pretty positive that if I had it all to relive, I would just do things differently. Not all things. Just some things. Because I couldn't know what I know and just let things happen as they did in a few places. Anyhow, due to this dream I realized just how important some events are to me. Some events, I wouldn't trade for anything--even if it was something that I really wanted. It was a good realization.
Another was how it would be to wake up, be 8 years old, but have nothing else change but me. No reliving. Just living. Just regrowing. Being 8 in a world already grown up. It was interesting as well, for different reasons. (By the way, my dreams tend to have an incredible amount of backstory that is just inherently understood by me while in them. I'm weird, I know. This dream, for instance, had all sorts of memories of pretending to be someone other than me for a while before becoming 8 years old and everyone that I had known thinking that Cody Eckman was dead.) Part of the climax of this dream came from admitting to my mother that I was who I was. It made sense at the time. My dreams are intense.
I dreamt of a youth conference that never happened. Woods. Boys and girls. Amazing activities. Parents. Cabins that were a little too much like permanent barracks. Romances between people I'm pretty sure hav never met in real life. Pockets that seem to have everything in them except what I needed at the moment. Not enough time to run across camp. It was cool. Had an awesome scout camp sort of vibe. With girls. And parents. And stuff.
A dream about running a marathon as a fourteen year old. In fact, I think this was a precursor to the eight year old out-of-place one. I pretended to be someone else and joined sports teams and was apparently pretty okay. It was a cross of like a million things according to what I remember. Anyhow, apparently after growing up from there as someone else, I then became eight year old me. Sick? Annoying, if dream me is to be believed. Direct quote: "I just realized that I have ten years until I graduate again. It never ends!"
Well anyway. It was cool to me. Interesting night. I'm off friends. We should have adventures!

As Of Late

Well, it's been a while. Hi, friends. Is life well on your collective ends? I hope so. If not, call me and. . . Well, it'll be awesome. We'll have an adventure.

Life lately for me, you ask? (You did, by the way. Don't deny it. Admission is the first step, you know. There are others, but you won't find them here. Please seek help.) Honestly? Reading. Dishonestly? Fighting miniature ice giants with a crowbar, a pressurized can of kerosene, and a lit match. Personally, I prefer the truth. My books really are much more exciting. Or, at the very least, interesting.

I've been reading an awful lot of religious books lately. They're wonderful. I recommend A Marvelous Work and a Wonder by LeGrand Richards, Confronting Pornography by Mark D. Chamberlain, Daniel D. Gray, and Rory C. Reid(this book is so much better than it sounds. It truly has something for everyone, not just addicts or those who know addicts personally. It offers really great views on the positive side of human sexuality as told through the eyes of the church and some really great ideas for community organizing to remove smut from billboards and the like.), Preach My Gospel, and Jesus The Christ by James E. Talmage. I've also been reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis which is basically a book of what traps to not allow yourself to fall into. It's absolutely beautiful.

I went on a date with the lovely Shayna Henrie and Rachel Evans and Hawk Steffey yesterday and had a blast. We went rollerblading through St. George, got ice cream and breadsticks, and just had a general good time. I like dates. And just spending time with people, no matter what we're doing. Hint, hint. (Disclaimer: Let's not break any serious laws. I have a mission to go on.)

I've finished my Visa papers, procured most everything I need for my mission, and have been studying the gospel fairly regularly. I could definitely be doing better. So, for the next two months, that's my goal. Get better. Other than that, I'm working, looking for yet another job, playing, going to a concert on Tuesday (thanks Trent!!!), hanging with my family, and rekindling old friendships. It's a party, if one filled with waiting.

Angola, here I come!

A Post on an Unconditional Friend

I haven't written for a while due to some good friends being in town and being super busy. But, frankly, this post isn't about that. This post... Well, would you like to hear a story? It has a fun beginning, a choppy and up and down middle, and an ending that's only just now coming to fruition. I'm hoping for a sequel.

I may have talked about Tiffany on here a few times before, but let me clarify--Tiffany is the absolute best friend I have ever had. We've known each other for about seven years and have had probably the most vitriolic best-friendship I've ever heard of. But, that's who we are and we love it.

Thing is... In December of last year Tiffany finally did something that I've been dreading for the past few years: she met the man of her dreams and, turns out, they're absolutely perfect for each other. And so much more than just Michael and Tiffany. It's like... with them, 1 + 1 = 10. I'm so happy for her. And so excited. She's moving on to her life. The real stuff. I'm kind of jealous, honestly.

But, she's leaving me behind and it scares the crap out of me.

Listen, I'm realistic. I know that we're both on to bigger and better things and that we're gonna be super awesome at our new lives and be amazingly happy. But. She's also been one of the few constants in my life for a long while. Even when she was off at college (some 400 miles away) we talked frequently and knew what was up with each other. She knows me, loves me, uplifts me, and makes me think. We'll never be the same again, and that's sort of frightening.

Tiffany, I'm not certain that I know how to live without you. I mean, I do, obviously... It's just going to be something I haven't done since I was a kid. And, frankly, I didn't need you then. Things were simple then. When they became something else, you were there. Now... I'm roughing it. And going on a mission that I'm really excited for.

Part of me always (illogically) thought that I would be close like I was with Tiffany forever. My non-ignorant side always knew that I'd have to marry her for that to be true. I think I kind of always thought I would. I know that there were many times that I hoped I would. Odd as that may sound, I finally completely understand it, I think.

Tiffany and I haven't really ever just been friends. We aren't normal. Really. In a lot of ways we were much closer than a lot of folks I knew who actually dated each other. We cared for each other. Loved each other unconditionally. Held each other up. Made each other happy. No one has ever loved me like Tiffany has. And I've never loved anyone like I have her.

She's dear to me, even now. My best friend. Maybe that's eternal in and of itself. I wish I could say. I'm positive that things will change. End, maybe. But definitely change. I'll miss us, as we've been. And that's okay. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The illogical part of my mind fears that I'll never have another connection like the one between Tiffany and I. I don't really believe this, but it's definitely a fear. I've known her for so long, after all. And I know her well. And have never had this kind of a relationship with anyone else. But it can and will happen. I know it. Part of me is more-than-convinced that if I ever feel the likes of it again I'll marry the woman. Of course, I believe that that connection will be even stronger, purer, and more poignant with whomever that woman is.

Tiffany... What to say to you? You saved me and I love you and am so grateful. And no, it wasn't any one thing that you did. You just... Loved me when others wouldn't. Understood when others couldn't. Cared when it was hard to care. And stayed by me through everything. I'll never be able to explain it fully, but I know that my life would be different now if you hadn't been in it.

I believe that the Lord sent you my way because he knew I'd need the help. I also believe that now he's using you to help me again. This time, taking you away to humble me and make me into something else. Someone else. Someone more humble, more reliant, more mature, and just better. Someone who has spent enough time with himself and God that nothing needs to be daunting. This had to happen for that. It's just hard. Jarring. Wrenching, even.

Honestly, I've never done anything so hard as realizing that you and I are going our separate ways. Next challenge: Africa. I'm glad it hurts, surprisingly. That means that I really lived. That I really loved. That it all really mattered. Even in leaving you teach me things.

Tiff, I love you. Thank you for always finding a way to love me--even when I made it incredibly difficult. I'll always remember you with a smile and, hopefully, our families will know each other somehow. Ha. Funny thought. We should be in-laws. We'd rock that. Evangeline (Eva) to Dimitri? ;)

I love you, my friend. Good luck with Michael and life.

A Post on the Happiest Place on Earth (No, really)

So sorry, dear reader(s) that I've been absent as of late. Thing is... Okay, wait. Hold on to something (or someone) large for this one. Got it? Sitting down? Okay. Stand up. Now sit down again. Go get a drink.

Back? Good.

Okay. For realsies. Thing is... I've been devoured by the Land of Disney. But really.

=)

I visited Disneyland for three lovely days with my lovely parents and my lovely sister-in-law, lovely niece, lovely nephew, and my brother, Reed. (No, he's not lovely. And calling J.D. lovely was a stretch.) Gosh, guys. I LOVED it. So much. It's just a happy feeling in the park--like Christmas, almost. Everyone's smiling and laughing and talking and not worrying. It's refreshing.

I've also found a new addiction. Disney pins. Oh goodness, Disney pins. I already have way too many (62 at current count), and I don't really plan on stopping. New lifelong hobby/distraction? I think so. They're fun! Trading is fun. And they make great tie tacks. No downside. =)

The only disappointment of the park? The fact that it is currently hot enough for girls to walk around in immodest clothing. Really? Is it comfortable to wear so little? I'd feel so exposed. And gross. Bras were hanging out everywhere, belly buttons, short shorts, spaghetti straps, low cut everything. It's just... disheartening. As a guy, it's distracting. And annoying.

A lesson: Girls, when you see/hear/smell/etc. something stimulating you choose how to react. For guys, we choose how to handle how we automatically react. Some of us try turn away from it, change the subject, etc. A lot do not. Take care with how you dress, the things you say, etc. Frankly, guys are more susceptible to you than you realize. We honestly cannot help it. We're wired this way for a multitude of reasons. I'll get into the why of it some other time.

Tangent, done. Disneyland was still awesome. And it definitely wasn't its fault that people make silly choices. Ah well.

I'm still in California until Wednesday. My parents and I want to take some time and have a bunch of fun together. I think we're kind of saving it all up for the two years that I'm in Africa. Makes sense to me, at least.

Well, that's that, I guess. I'm tired, so good night all. Stay wonderful!

A Post on Organized Insanity

Hang the ding dang 30 Day Challenge! (This is where you would cheer. If you're cool enough, at least.)

Yes sirs and madams, I'm done with it, I think. Ish. It's just getting boring. I'd rather just... Pretend to be philosophical and muse about my life and the goings-on therein. Ha. You'll come to know what I mean if you don't already.

Does anyone else ever just feel incredibly out of place when talking to people your own age? Just a few moments now and then, of course--not all the time. That would be horrific. As it stands, I feel this way from time to time. Why, you ask? (You did, don't lie.)

I... am incredibly odd. I watch old movies, read old books, plays, epics, poetry, write my own odd little poetry, read incredibly strange genres of books, try to guess every plot line of anything I ever watch, am super opinionated and stubborn, randomly burst into songs that no one seems to have ever heard, use words in everyday conversation that make people raise eyebrows, and do a slew of other strange things that proper people would scoff at.

Part of myself notices these things as they happen and, honestly, he scoffs too. The serious side of my mind frequently tells me to stop acting so silly and to just sit back, observe, and behave. He and I rarely get along. When we do, however, things get pretty intense and bad crap starts going down. You won't like me when I'm serious.

The point of this? Sometimes I wish I had been born in the forties or thirties. What a time to grow up! Other times, I'd like to have been around in the times of Shakespeare, Christ, Da Vinci, Schubert, Mozart, Puccini, Victor Hugo, or any hundreds of others. History, it would seem, is a passion of mine.

Five people I wish I could dine with:

The Religious version:

Christ
Moses
Joseph Smith
Moroni
Mahonri Moriancumr

The Secular version:

Thomas Jefferson
William Shakespeare
Goethe (actually pronounced Gew-tuh)
Franz Schubert
Frank Sinatra

Fun, no? No? Yes. So there.

Sorry. Like I said, I'm an odd one. The situation has been dealt with and the writer of the previous statements has been terminated. Now, on to the topic of nuclear holocau--

Attention:
We apologize for the idiocy of the past few statements. We have since fired the writers, hired new ones at severely reduced pay, and had the studio audience severely flogged. While we cannot guarantee it won't happen again, we promise that if it does, there will be ponies.

Attention Part Deux (This time it's for realsies):
Ahem. The last announcer has been taken into custody on suspicion of illegal pony smuggling. This marks the end of the current broadcast as the entirety of our cast, writers, and, indeed, even the audience, have taken up small arms and are currently undergoing a Malaysian-style turf war in order to claim rights to the Studio.

Wish me luck.

A Post on Goals and Dreams

Well, to use no names I'm a little pissed at the relationship climate of a good friend of mine. None of my business, I suppose, but I hate that she is willing to acknowledge that there are problems (he's pretty controlling and more than a little sketchy from time to time)--indeed, even call them major problems--but decide to not do anything about them. Urgh. I'm a jerk. I'm happy for her and I support her, really. It just baffles me. Girls, a serious question for you: Why (because I truly have seen this in so many cases) do you continue to date guys who continue treat you poorly in any serious way? Is it really worth it? Still... Just baffled.

Well, with that rant out of the way, on to:

Day 13: Goals.

Part of being the ridiculous way I am involves thinking about the future a lot. I have a lot of goals. I'll share some of the less silly ones with you.

Maybe some of the more silly ones as well.

Keep a current Temple Recommend for the rest of my life.
Marry in the Temple. For eternity.
Have a slew of kids to love for eternity.
Convert Africa! And build a Temple with nothing but my bare hands, the spirit, and a Book Of Mormon.
Wrestle a lion until he cries. Again, with nothing but my bare hands.
Return with honor!
Write something that changes someone's life.
Instill a passion into those around me--be it professionally, familial-y, or religiously.
Repeal the 17th Amendment.
Fall hopelessly, madly, and ridiculously in Love. Every. Single. Day.
Sell a piece of writing.
Sell a piece of music.
After having received my BA in Musical Ed., pursue my Master's (and eventually Doctorate) in composition as I teach high school. After receiving said doctorate I'd work on becoming a college professor.
One day, I'd like to be a Seminary/Institute teacher.
I'm sort of in love with architectural design. I'd like to do that one day, as well.
Reach the Celestial Kingdom and just keep on growing.

Okay. A lot of those are dreams. There is a difference, I know. But I don't care. You get what you get. Love it. Or don't. But please keep coming back for more. It's nice to think that someone might be reading the drivel of my mind.

A thought about life:

You don't always see what you want until you can't attain it any longer. Live in the moment from time to time and love it! People disappoint, life throws hurdles, and the pain is tangible... But the smiles are too. Smile when it's hardest to, laugh when the tears comes, and remember the happy with the sad.

We fall in and out
Of who we let ourselves be...
So be who you are.

Good night, my friends.