...Girls are bad news.
Man alive, I can't reiterate that sentiment enough. Girls are a no-go. Bad news bears. Heartbreak in motion. At least for now.
Don't get me wrong, friends, I like girls. A lot, in fact. That's why they're such a problem, I figure. I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm somehow broken or something. But it seems like I can't go through life without caring for the folks around me. Some... Just don't take to it too well.
Why does love have to be conditional? I mean seriously. I recently had an experience that really shook me up. A girl who I have a bit of a history with but who has remained one of my best friends for a long time since then has been ducking me a lot lately. Okay, before I start, a recap. For the past few months we haven't been super close for various reasons. Mostly because we're both busy and she's been in school, etc., etc. Anyhow, she's been avoiding me. When we do hang out, it's more awkward than it's ever been. I'm leaving in 15 days! What the heck? Shouldn't we want to be close friends before I go? Again, I digress. We've been writing letters in order to prep me a bit for letter-writing in the mission field (I'm awful at it) but she's really slow to write me back and downright hasn't for the past long while. I can talk to pretty much all of her family like it's nothing (we're all really good friends) but not to her. Not anymore. Anyhow, in a recent letter I thanked her for her friendship, let her know that I'll always be there for her, etc. You know, I basically bore my heart to her and offered pretty unconditional friendship.
She. Got. Pissed.
No, I don't know why. It wasn't romantic. It was just... Love. Happiness. Friend-like. And she pretty much all but said that "That's just not what she wants from me right now." It hurt a lot. I still view her as my best friend. Why the disparity between our views? Why the "I hate it when you use that nickname. Or when you say that you know me--I've changed a lot." She has, but more in method than personality. The nickname? Well, it's just her name shortened. I've always used it. Apparently, it's too "familiar for us" now. What are we? Suddenly just acquainted. Barely friendly?
Two weeks ago it was, "I miss you and your family. We should hang out more. You're leaving soon and I'd really like to reconnect better before you leave." I hate lip-service. Just be real. Tell me to back off and I will--I won't like it, but I will. I'm not the pushy kind. Honestly, I just want people to not have a reason to dislike me.
I just don't get it. And, sadly, it's not the first time this has happened to me. It's the first time it's happened this harshly... But I don't know. Are girls really so against such close friendship with a guy? Is it just me? Do I exude anti-closeness traits?
It's such a despondent feeling to be told that you're out of line for caring for someone. Really? Being genuine and sincere isn't all right? I can't be the guy who would do anything for you just because you're you? I can't compliment you because I honestly think you deserve it? I can't be the guy who will always tell you exactly what I think when you ask? I obviously must have some ulterior motive or an agenda. I can't just want to know you because I enjoy your company. I must have feelings for you like I used to. I must just be trying to get you to want me too. It's the only reason I'd care.
Ugh. To be honest, I'm done. I'm excited for my mission. I'm excited to go and meet a whole cadre of people to serve and uphold. I'm not called on a mission--I'm called on an adventure.
Here I come, MTC. In 15 days.
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